Burn
by Xx Eve of Destruction xX
Summary: Every night, behind closed eyelids, she watches them burn... Angsty Shenko drabble.


**Author's Note: Hey guys. This is my first published fan fiction in awhile so I'm sorry if it seems a little rusty.**

**I wanted to keep Shepard neutral so the reader could insert their character as they wish but Natalie (my red headed paragon, spacer, war hero) just had to sneak in and steal the spotlight of this drabble.**

**Hope you enjoy and I'd love to hear your feedback! **

Every night, behind closed eyelids, she watches them burn, burning like the planets she has failed to save.

Sometimes they scream, begging for the salvation she can't give while they are enveloped by the blaze. Other times they just watch her, with sad eyes, until they are reduced to nothing but ash. Every time she tries to help, but it is although she is being held back by an invisible force. Left with nothing else to do but helplessly watch their demise.

Sometimes they are the ones that are already gone. The people she has lost.

_Jenkins. Ashley. Mordin. Thane. Legion._

Watching them die for a second time is no easier than the first.

Other times they are the people still alive, still fighting at her side. The people she has been with to Hell and back. The people who have her back and support her no matter what. The people whom she trusts with her life and hold the deepest regard in her heart. Her oldest and dearest friends.

_Garrus. Joker. Tali. Liara. Chakwas._

When it's the worst, she sees him. The love of her life. She tries to scream but makes no sound as she watches the flames lick at his body, burning away at olive toned flesh. Through the fire, his whiskey colored eyes meet hers, and hold her gaze. She'll do anything to make it stop. She'll give her own life if that is what it takes to end his suffering. Anything to stop the burning…

"Shepard!"

A scream dies in her throat as a familiar masculine voice, with fear evident in his tone, rouses her from her latest nightmare. She comes into conscious with a heavy gasp, eyes flying open, and skin prickling as if she can still feel the heat radiating off of her friends' corpses.

Strong arms draw her in a tight embrace, and then she regains enough sanity to realize where she is.

She is in her bed, in her quarters. He is holding her. He is safe. Everyone is safe. No one is burning.

But no matter how many times she reassures herself, she can never be too sure.

"Natalie, sweetheart, are you ok?"

Rough hands, hardened from years as a soldier, gently cup her face, concerned eyes looking her over.

"I'm fine," she replies. Her voice is dry, slightly raspy, as if she has swallowed smoke. "Just a nightmare…"

"Just a nightmare? You were screaming bloody murder. How long have these been going on?"

Of course Kaidan wouldn't know that she has been kept up awake nearly every night since her resurrection. They had only just resumed sleeping together for the first time since the destruction of the SR-1 Normandy.

"I'm fine." She repeats, more to convince herself than him. She slips out of his grasp, tosses the covers off her body, and swings her legs over the bed to go to her bathroom.

She needs a drink. She needs to wash her face. Water always puts out fire.

She pads into the metallic bathroom, closing the door behind her. She then turns on the sink, cupping her hands beneath the faucet and drinks deeply. The cool liquid soothes her throat and helps to clear her head. Shepard refuses to glance into the mirror; for she already knows she looks like Hell, but splashes water onto her face, thankful for the liquid's chill on her flushed skin.

Upon taking a deep breath and opening the door, he is there, leaning against the wall waiting for her.

"Natalie, how long have these dreams been going on?"

She shoulders past him, with the intent of putting some clothes on.

"It's nothing. And don't call me Natalie. It's not my name."

He rolls his eyes at her refusal to be called by her first name.

"It's not nothing, Nat-Shepard. I thought you were freaking dying. It scared the shit out of me. You need help."

She lashes around to face him, green eyes narrowed with fury.

"I do not need help! People don't trust someone who 'needs help' to save the fucking galaxy!"

"Shepard…" He takes a step closer to her, cautiously, as if she is a wild animal.

"Don't 'Shepard' me, Kaidan. You don't fucking know. And maybe it is better off that way."

His patient expression melts into something utterly livid, a look that the controlled Major rarely wore.

"Bullshit, Shepard. I do know."

"Really? You know what it feels like to be the last hope of survival? You know what it feels like to have billions of lives riding on your every decision?"

When Kaidan doesn't reply, Shepard goes back to picking her clothes up off the cabin floor.

"I thought so."

"Maybe I don't," his steady response causes Shepard to freeze in mid motion of picking up her N7 hoodie. "But I do know what it feels like to be scared. I know what it feels like to be helpless. I know what it feels like to lose people. And I know what it feels like when you are willing to do anything in your power to protect the ones you love."

"They burn," she murmurs softly, in the direction of the floor. "Every night I have dreams where the people I care about get burned alive and I can't do anything to stop it. And it makes me wonder… Is all that I'm doing to stop the Reapers just like trying to put out a big ass fire? No matter what we do, will it just keep burning until it completely destroys everything?"

She finally looks up and catches his gaze, green eyes meeting brown. His expression is broken and conflicted, like he is grasping at something, anything, to give her comfort, when really there is none left to give.

"I don't know." he sighs.

"That's what I thought…"

She smoothes the wrinkles out of her clothes and promptly walks out the door, hoping that their next mission at Thessia won't end up like the others.


End file.
